End-of-Season Bottom 10: The Best of the Worst in College Football
Inspirational thought of the week:
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying, “I’m sorry for that night”
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you
Wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine
I’d go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time
— Taylor Swift, “Back to December”
Welcome back to the Bottom 10, where we celebrate the not-so-glorious side of college football. Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, tucked away behind the industrial fans cooling Pete Thamel’s massive server warehouse, we’ve reached Championship Weekend. And you know what that means—it’s time for us to pull a disappearing act worthy of a college football coach named the Owls and sneak out of town.
But before we made our grand exit, we gathered the Bottom 10 Selection Committee for one last hurrah. When we called out, “Bottom 10 assemble!” our usual crew of experts showed up, including me, my dad, Captain Morgan (aka my stepdad), former LSU head coach Ed Orgeron, Northwest Oklahoma defensive coordinator Jerry Glanville, and Ed “Straight Arrow” Gennero. Even Sinbad and Supervisory Special Agent Dwayne Cassius Pride made an appearance to help us sort through the chaos.
Bo Pelini ghosted us this year, so we replaced him with Mack Brown, who immediately tried to vote for North Carolina five times. Jimbo Fisher declined our invite, claiming he was busy racing Rich Rod and Anthony Becht in kayaks up the Monongahela River. Classic Jimbo.
As usual, the College Football Playoff folks at the posh Gaylord Texan told us there was “no room at the inn.” So, we hotwired an RV from Buc-ee’s and parked it behind an abandoned Dickey’s BBQ near the Gaylord. This gave Coach O the perfect vantage point to annoy Mike Riley and Gary Pinkel with a laser pointer through the conference room blinds. Good times.
Once again, we relied on our Bottom 10 FPI formula—not the ESPN Football Power Index, but the Faux Pas Index. Here’s how it works:
- Teams earn one point for each win, minus one point for each loss.
- Subtract one point for each loss in their longest losing streak of the year, with a -10 bonus if that streak is still active.
- Subtract the season’s point differential (points scored minus points allowed).
- Adjust for turnover margin and Weakness of Schedule (WoS) ranking.
- If a team fired its head coach, subtract 50 points (the Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus).
- Divide the total by the number of games played to get the Bottom 10 FPI score.
Simple, right? It’s as easy as making a Shaker lemon cherry rhubarb strawberry walnut pecan quiche with lattice crust and cranberry-pear cookie crumble topping. So, without further ado, here are the final Bottom 10 rankings for 2024:
1. State of Kent (0-12)
Nick Saban’s alma mater defended its 2023 Bottom 10 title with a winless season, becoming the nation’s only 12-loss team. Fun fact: Saban also lost 12 games… over his last nine years at Alabama.
2. Southern Missed (1-11)
The Golden Eagles nearly dethroned Kent State, finishing with a 10th straight loss and the nation’s third-longest active losing streak. On the bright side, Brett Favre is already filing for disaster relief funds—because why not?
3. Livin’ on Tulsa Time (3-9)
The Golden Hurricane ended their season with four straight blowout losses, surrendering 59, 38, 63, and 63 points. It’s safe to say their defense was more of a light breeze than a hurricane.
4. Pur-don’t (1-11)
Purdue’s only win came in Week 1 against Indiana State. They played the nation’s sixth-toughest schedule, but even that can’t excuse an 11-game losing streak. Sycamores are tough to chop down, apparently.
5. O-Hi-No State (10-2)
Ryan Day’s 66-10 record at Ohio State is overshadowed by his 1-4 mark against Michigan. Buckeye fans are starting to wonder if Day is the right guy to lead them back to glory.
6. Kennesaw Mountain Landis State (2-10)
The Owls outlasted their feathered brethren from Rice, FAU, and Temple, all of whom fired their head coaches. Kennesaw’s coach stuck around, but maybe he shouldn’t have.
7. Whew Mexico State (3-9)
The Aggies fumbled their way back into the Bottom 10 with a season-ending loss to UTEP. It was a finale as poorly choreographed as a bad superhero movie fight scene.
8. UMess (2-10)
The Minutemen’s strategy of waiting until they saw the whites of their opponents’ eyes didn’t work out so well. In football, that just means you’re getting run over.
9. Flori-duh State (2-10)
The Seminoles spent the offseason arguing they didn’t belong in the ACC. Then they spent the season proving they didn’t belong on a football field, either.
10. How ‘Bout Them Cowboys?! (3-9)
Picked to contend for the Big 12 title, Oklahoma State instead went winless in conference play. It’s enough to make a man declare, “I’m 40!”—even if he feels 90 after this season.
Waiting list: Miss Sus Hippie State, FI(not A)U, FA(not I)U, Temple of Doom, Baller State, Georgia State Not Southern, Why OMG?, UTEPid, Muddled Tennessee State, treating flag planting like a TikTok trend.
Originally Written by: Ryan McGee
